OK, it’s 4:00 AM, and I’ve got Fox news running in the background. Bush and Jacque Chirac are meeting in Paris and giving speech. Chirac is mentioning all the common bonds our two countries share, such as our historical bonds of “sister revolutions”. Now as repellent as this comparison seems to my instinctual Francophobe tendencies (hey, if millennia old ancestral hatred is good enough for people in the Balkans, it’s good enough for my 300 year distant English blood), there is some logic to the metaphor.

The American Revolution is the sister who emerged from mildly dysfunctional parents and went on to graduate college, have kids and live in a nice neighborhood. The older sister, America is a type A over-achiever.

France is the younger, seemingly prettier sister. And, although brilliant in her youth, was always treated a little rougher by the parents.

Once they threw off their parent’s dominance (which the two sisters helped each other through), both had a tough time of it. America sloughed through these growing pains and eventually got her shit together. France, however, immediately went on a 25-year bender.

Now, as France was recovering from this turbulent period of her life, America was going through a painful divorce, in which both France and America’s Mother mildly sided with her husband. However, that soon ended, and all three began to reconcile.

France was unfortunately still drinking heavily, abusing various other substances, and turning to a life of ill repute. This led to a number of unsavory encounters with Germany. After several assaults, Germany repeatedly raped France in the bunghole, and attacked America’s young step-sister, Israel.

Like a good sister, America came to her sibling’s defense, and after several ugly incidents, stopped Germany and castrated him. America got France into rehab, but it never worked out.

Fast-forward a few years. America is getting on in age, but is still looking pretty good despite a few wrinkles. France, however, is left with the sunken eyes and wrinkled face that befall a used-up woman. She’s even gotten engaged to her now pacified ex-client, Germany. Mother is for some reason halfway supporting the marriage, and all of them seem to have it out for the troubled Israel.

America’s relations with the rest of the family are strained. France now seems to blame her sister for everything that’s going wrong with her life, ignoring her own lack of responsibility. And America’s getting pretty damn tired of having her credit cards go missing every time she lets poor France crash at her pad.

Well, OK, it’s a silly metaphor. But I think it has some truth to it. Give me a break, it’s late.