THE UN SECURITY COUNCIL MEETING CHAMBER, NYC
All of the UNSC members, with the exception of the American ambassador, have gathered. Word has spread of Iraq's non-compliance, and France has called an emergency council meeting.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
Where is that damn American? We have most important business to discuss. Britain, do you know where he is?
BRITISH AMBASSADOR
Oh, yes, I'm told he'll be along shortly. Busy chap you know.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
This is outrageous! We've been waiting an hour already. We must discuss the Iraqi situation immediately! There must be immediate deliberation and debate.
MAURITIAN AMBASSADOR
Well, Hussein did fuck up pretty bad, dude. There's that whole material breach thing. Whaddya want to do about it?
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
Well... Well... I don't know yet. We need to look at how we got to this point. I was assured that the Iraqi government would be very thorough about hidin...
BRITISH AMBASSADOR
(eyes France quizzically...)
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
...er, I mean, we need to look very carefully at all the issues involved in this crisis. Russia, don't you agree?
RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR
Yeah, sure man... (looks at crisis headlines leading the copy of the New York Times on the table) Ya know, I could really use a drink... (shuffles through briefcase for a few moments) ...damn, hey, it looks like I'm out of booze. Anybody else got any? Whiskey maybe? Ireland, I'm looking in your direction.
IRISH AMBASSADOR
Why does everyone always expect me to have whiskey? That's a goddamn dirty stereotype.
...
Ah, who the hell am I kidding? (checks bag, and pulls out fifth of Jack Daniels) I'll pour. I don't think we have any ice though...
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
Dammit! Will you guys focus. This is important. China, don't you have anything to say?
CHINESE AMBASSADOR
(shrugs shoulders and lights cigarrette)
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
Norway, surely you see the great importance of further investigation and discussion.
NORWEIGIAN AMBASSADOR
France, although you smell bad and you are a repugnant little sissy, we completely agree with you in hating George Bush and his imperialist America, with all its evil McDonalds and Starbucks and lord how we hate that bastar... oh... I mean, yes, we believe a full investigation and debate of the current situation is needed.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
What about the rest of you? Don't you have anything to say?
...
(crickets chirping)
...
Syria, you've been awfully quiet? Surely, being so near the area, you have something important to add to any discussion.
SYRIAN AMBASSADOR
Hey, I'm already on the American's shit list. After today, the less I say, the better off I am.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
What do you mean, "after today"?
The door suddenly opens, and the American ambassador enters with a small entourage. He quickly distributes some papers to all the other ambassadors sitting at the conference, and sets up an easel with some maps on it. Russia quickly gulps down his drink and motions for Ireland to pour another.FRENCH AMBASSADOR
It's about time you showed up. This delay has been mo..
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR
Gentlemen, I apologize for the delay, but I had urgent business in Washington, and getting a flight to New York was tricky, what with all the military flights clogging the airways.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
Military flights!?! What are you talking abo...
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR
France has called this meeting to discuss our current situation. As of last night, Iraq is in violation Security Counsel Resolution 1441. As I'm sure you'll all be glad to know, the United States and Great Britain have already taken steps to ensure that, under the authorization of this and previous UN resolutions, the government of Saddam Hussein is removed and Iraq can finally be disarmed.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
Steps!?! What is the meaning of this? What have you do...
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR
Since the American government feels strongly that we need to maintain our dialogue with you, our friends in the security council, Here's what's going on. (points toward the easel, showing a map of Iraq) As you can see on the handouts I just gave you, we've begun our strike on suspected scud missile sites in the west of Iraq using carrier based aircraft and navy cruise missiles. Our Marines and advanced Special Forces teams have established footholds deep in Iraqi territory, and have already secured several large oilfields.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
Outreageous! Non! Non! This is not what we meant by "discussion"! This is completely unacceptabl...
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to fly to London immediately to consult with Mr. Blair. My assistant's secretary will be available to answer any of your questions. Britain, are you coming?
BRITISH AMBASSADOR
Yes, of course. Sorry to leave so soon gents, but, you know, pressing matters at home and all.
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
But... But...
The American and British Ambassadors leave. There are a few moments of silence as France stares into the distance vacantly.MAURITIAN AMBASSADOR
So, uh, like what do we do now?
...
(uncomfortable silence)
BULGARIAN AMBASSADOR
(clearing throat) ... Umm, well, you know they've got half price beers today over at the mid-town Hooters. And I helped one of the waitresses get a working visa a couple of years back, so I'm sure she'd hook us up with some free fries or something.
COLUMBIAN AMBASSADOR
Yeah man! I could really dig on some hot wings.
GUINEAN AMBASSADOR
Hell yeah. Hot wings fuckin' rock.
NORWEIGAN AMBASSADOR
And it just so happens I got a coupon in the mail for a free order of onion rings with purchase of $15 or more.
SINGAPORE AMBASSADOR
Sweet! Count me in.
BULGARIAN AMBASSADOR
Then it's decided. To Hooters!
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
But... But...
Everyone, except for the French Ambassador, gets up to leave for lunch.RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR
Hey, sissy, you coming?
FRENCH AMBASSADOR
But we can't leave! We need to discuss these issues! We need to investigate these matters further! France must have a voice! You just can't leave. You can't!
RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR
Hey man, it's half-price beer we're talking about here. And the Bulgarian guy knows one of the waitresses. All we're gonna do here is listen to how bad your pussy hurts, and I've had quite enough of that over the past couple of months, thank you very much. Besides I hear those Bulgarian chicks have nice racks. (turns and leaves with the rest)
The French Ambassador is left alone at the conference table, weeping. He reaches for his cell phone and dials a number.FRENCH AMBASSADOR
Yes... Gerhard? Hi... Yeah. Yes, I've been crying a little... Yes, it's been a rough day.
...
ya know, I could really use a hug right now...
Fade to black.
