November 24, 2002
Ahh, Shitty Sci-Fi...
There's nothing better than drunkenness and bad science fiction. And nothing's better while drunk than a bad sci-fi movie made when I was exceptionally young. One of the myriad of cable channels I get just played the entire V: The Final Battle mini series.
Oh, man, I hadn't seen this thing since it originally aired when I was six. Well, it sure seemed a lot cooler then. I mean, I love me some cheesy alien invasion movies, but good lord. Of all the reasons to invade earth, harvesting humans for food and southern California's water(!) supply? And that star-child bulllshit, ugh... Why is it all alien beam weapons are always as accurate as a chipmunk with diarrhea. Man, these lizards are dumb as shit. Like pot-smoking Nazis.
The special effects were pretty good at the time, but the acting is some of the worst ever. Ever. The only bright spots are performances by Freddie Kruger himself, Robert Englund (who isn't really good in this one, but it's Freddie...), and B-movie staple Michael Ironside as the "evil" ex-CIA operative. Ironside's character is the only redeeming one in the entire series, as he argues for common-sense solutions like, "lets kill all aliens". A direct quote from his wisdom:
I may bring the neighborhood down, but they'll eat it.
Beautiful.
Anyways, I learned an important lesson from this show when I was a kid: all beauty really is skin deep. While the evil villainess Diana is, in reality, a scaly lizard that eats parakeets whole, she wears the outer skin of a foxy brunet.
(hubba hubba)
Perhaps this wasn't the best movie for dad to let my six-year-old ass stay up and watch. I spent the next six years believing every pretty woman was really, underneath her outer skin layer, an evil bird-eating lizard intent on taking over the world. Then puberty hit, and, while my worldview never really changed, I mysteriously wanted to get very much closer to those evil bird-eating lizards. But, I digress. This post is not meant to discuss my relationship issues...
Posted by Captain Mojo at November 24, 2002 02:50 AM
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Captain, you may find, when they get a little older, that those evil bird-eating lizards can sometimes be tamed, and trained to do quite a few really kewl tricks. Maybe you have been working on teeny-lizards, who are always vicious and think human males are disgusting, but useful creatures.
Anyway, think of yourself as lucky. When I was little, all we had was Plan Nine From Outer Space and The Blob with Steve McQueen.
Ah, yes, I made my wife sit through all of that V stuff with me just a couple weeks ago as well (amen for 150 channels with nothing on).
While Diana was pretty hot, I was more partial to the blonde freedom fighter, especially when she ends up in Diana's clutches and they share some hot, intimate mome...er, I mean when she's put into that tight little bodysuit and subjected to mind torture, or whatever they called that cheesy device with equally cheesy special effects.
You have a fine point on the blonde chick getting tortured in the skintight outfit (nice rack!). They must have a class at shitty actor school entitled "Moans, gasps, and silly faces: portraying torture and or sexual gratification."
Too bad they cut out the scene where Diana says, "Fools, your strobe lights aren't effective against this one. Activate my latest invention-- the orgasmitron 5000. Rambone factor 4!" [que porn music]boom-chicky-boom-chicky-boom-chicky-chickey-chikcey-chickey[cut porn music]
Still, I'll take an evil, but hot, burnet lizard eating reptile over the blonde pinko freedom fighter any day.
And Michael, sure Plan 9 sucked, but Stevo and the Blob? That was a great fricking movie. And both had valuable lessons for the kiddies to learn. Plan 9: stay away from those freakish transvestite move makers. The Blob: don't touch those giant protoplasmic monsters if you want to keep your arm.
I saw both within about a year of seeing V, and I'll tell you, those lessons have saved my ass more times than I can count (what can I say, I grew up in a weird neighborhood). The oldies are goodies.
Maybe its a generational thing. Something about digging what came before you. Like, for me, Frankenstein with Boris Karloff is still great, but not the stuff that came after I was born. You can still keep Bela Lugosi, while I'll take Wesley Snipes in the Blades. (there was no real Sci-Fi produced before my birth, over half a century ago.)
And I definitely prefer Attack of the Clones to 2001 A Space (meaningless, unsolvable, faux-mystery) Odyssey. Give me a good Space Opera every time, with GREAT special affects and the Jerry Bruckheimer-type pacing and gratuitous violent insanity.
hmmm, let's get back to the blonde, julie
was the name. now, the chi-town area
hasn't had the re-run coverage you have
there. but if memory serves me correctly,
weren't there some scenes that seemed
a bit lesbo in nature? particularly
between julie and diana? i seem to recall
a few tight-top, unleash-the-beast type
gropes and nudges.
am i wrong? am i caught in a world of
half truths and personal fantasies? if so,
can we throw linda grey into the mix and
have an even better time?
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