TNN is playing Bond movies all weekend, to which I can only say, "hell yeah." As I've always said, the only thing better than a Bond movie is a Bond movie marathon. I, like most healthy young men, have grown up with James Bond as a role model, a mythological character filled with an amor de la vida, a fierce vitality, that we can all only try to emulate in the least. Plus he blows shit up and nasties every pretty thing that passes him by.

Now, we all know that Connery was the greatest of all possible Bonds, but, one of the greatest debates argued between modern thinking men is, "which Bond, aside from Connery, is the best?" No simple question. There's George Lazenby, the one time JB who stared in 1969's On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Roger Moore, the smirking Bond of the seventies and early eighties, Timothy Dalton, the dour and serious agent of the late eighties and early nineties, and the heir apparent to Connery's legacy, our current Pierce Brosnan.

Of course, Lazenby is instantly disqualified, because, well, he only had one movie, and, to be honest, he sucked ass. His miserable performance brought On Her Majesty's Secret Service down from being a decent Bond flick to being shit (and anything in the late-sixties that Diana Rigg is in should be pure gold!). Dalton is also extracted from most discussions, since his bond was amazingly anal-retentive, and never looked like he was having a good time (this is vital to a Bond).

That leaves Moore and Brosnan. Brosnan has the swagger, the looks, but I think he lacks soul. Many will disagree with me on this, but Moore actually rivals Connery in his 007 greatness. These are two very different Bonds, to be sure, but more has many things working in his favor. First of all, Connery is Scottish, Lazenby was freaking Australian, Dalton was Welsh, and Brosnan is a damned, dirty Irishman, but Moore is actually an Englishman. And James Bond was, above all else, an English hero.

Then there's the facial expressions. Moore had the most effective smirk of all the Bonds. The raised eyebrow was also most effective, more so than Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy combined. As Frank Zappa will tell you, it's all in the eyebrows. And then there's the one-liners. The Moore Bond was all about the well timed one-liner. Silly? Perhaps, but Bond must be able to deliver these petty quips on demand. Plus I think, of all the Bonds, Moore looked best in a Royal Navy uniform. He was a Commander in the queen's service after all:

Many would argue that the films of the Moore era were far too outlandish to be good. Certainly the retarded space adventure of Moonraker matches well this complaint. It's certainly bad, but has many good points in its defense (Dr. Holli Goodhead anyone?). The Spy Who Loved Me, with an equally outlandish plot (the giant sea base?), is considered by most to be one of the series' finest. And I don't care what anybody says, Jaws was cool. No ifs ands or buts about it.

Who in the hell expects realistic plots from a James Bond movie? The title character is a "spy" who plays big-stake baccarat and announces his real name loudly to every major enemy agent or criminal gang in a ten square mile area ("Bond, James Bond"). He bones any female he encounters regardless of age, nationality, intelligence, threat level, or original gender (remember Grace Jones? ughhh...), and after 40 years, shows no mental sign of the obviously horrendous case of syphilis he has. He's also a terminal alcoholic who seems to have no trouble shooting straight. This is certainly not the real world, so don't expect realism.